Loving Annabelle

“Ice Princess. Unobtainable. Bitch. Conceited. Control-freak. Witch. These are just some of the words you would hear out of people’s mouths when you mention the name Annabelle Spencer. It was a name that people steered clear of; a person nobody took the time to get to know, but everyone had something to say about but Annabelle Spencer was the name I had said over and over in my dreams. She was the one girl I had always dreamt of being with. So naturally when she never showed a shred of interest in me I had to move on, but I guess somewhere inside me her name still owned my heart.”

When Adam and Jane Spencer welcomed their daughter into this world under the harshest of circumstances they never thought that their love story would impact her life so dramatically. Saving herself for the right man was never the intention of Jane Brewster at the time, all she wanted was to be with someone who wanted more from her than what her body offered and telling her daughter that she was a virgin when she had met her father might not have been the wisest thing she could have done. This became the basis for her life and her fuel with which she drove her way through life and all the challenges it had laid out for her on her way and she made sure she steered clear of the “norm” as being normal to her threatened her chances of being successful and great.

Annabelle was a smart child who knew that hard work pays off and had devoted her entire existence on becoming the best. After becoming so consumed in her schooling Annabelle had lost most of herself and her loved ones in the books she read and the equations she mastered. Being a genius would however not prepare her for the unstoppable force of nature. Love.

After many years of suppressing the idea of love and being loved, it comes knocking on her door in the form of a beautiful blue eyed god-like rugby buffoon who oozes sexy and lust filled desires driven by a tale as old as time which sets her heart ablaze. Annabelle soon realizes that all the time she had spent on becoming one of the worlds most brilliant minds is no measure to the wanting and acceptance of love which had awoken inside her when she is faced with the realization that the time to transition to the new phase of her life had approached and is in full view.

As Annabelle tries hard to stay focused and remain faithful to her vow of being a virgin until she had met the right man she begins to question her reasons for ever embarking on this quest and is soon faced with a more deadly and life changing dilemma which she never saw coming. Realizing that shutting the world out had not in anyway protected her against everyone still looking into her life and now she has to come to grips with the fact that even though the world and everyone in it was to her for the most of her life invisible; she was never invisible to the world and all she had done to shut out the norm was never ever worth it and could all be in vain.

 Will Annabelle choose to be loved or will the love she has so unnoticeably rejected eventually destroy her.

To read my new novel check it out at my site  https://therealpriscillam.wordpress.com/loving-annabelle

www.therealpriscillam.wordpress.com/lovingannabelle

Loving Annabelle

 

Prologue

“Are you sure you’re okay with putting her to bed; I really feel crap about you having to do it all the time while I’m forever busy with my book… I’m such a bad mother.” She says with a pencil stuck in her hair arched in front of her laptop busy with her latest novel. I look at her and smile. She gets so caught up in her writing that I swear she forgets the world around her exists. I stand looking at her holding our beautiful baby girl of ten months. She is wide awake looking at the world around her and listening quietly to her mother’s voice. She looks up from her screen at me and I smile. She gets up and walks over to me. I see her love for me burning hot in her eyes and my heart melts all over again. She rubs gently over Alex’s back and smiles softly at me but her eyes are naughty and flirtatious. I feel hot under her stare. I can’t believe that she still has this effect on me. I need to get out under her eyes or I might just shame me in front of her not that she would mind, but she needs to work and finish her book. If she doesn’t then I receive very ill treatment and that I can’t deal with. “Just finish your book so that you can go back to being the awesome mother and wife you have always been to us” She pulls an evil eye at me and I know that I have open a can of worms that should have stayed closed.  “Stop it” I say as I feel her hands going under my shirt and she strokes the hair on belly with her nails. I start walking towards the stairs and out of her reach and she starts pulling on my shirt and I look over my shoulder at her scolding. “I’m holding the baby…” I say and she comes walking closer to me eyes filled with hot passion and lust. Oh God, I loved her when she is so hungry for me but the baby’s not sleeping yet and I have some work I have to finish too. “The baby is not sleeping yet. So let me put her to bed and I will come and join you in few. I have some work to do as well” I say and she frowns not saying a word. She lets out a defeated sigh and I feel my body relaxing. Never had I loved a woman as much as I loved her and I doubt that I ever will.  “Well… I will put the kettle on and make us some hot chocolate babe” I hear her talking behind me and then her voice disappears into the kitchen.

Now loving Annabelle has not been the easiest thing in the world. In fact getting her to love me was the hardest challenge I ever had to face but with me being a sports man and medical student I welcomed it with open arms. I lay our beautiful Alexandra King in her cot and stroke her soft hair. She is tired her eye lids are heavy but she still manages to smile at me. I couldn’t believe my luck. Though I always knew that I would spend the rest of life with Annabelle Spencer the very first day I laid eyes on her, convincing her to allow me to love her was the real dilemma. I walk to the window and look outside as the wind blows through the trees in our back yard. The winter is coming and I smile. Annabelle loved the winter. She made me buy this house in Stellenbosch. She wanted to live nowhere else it was the place of her birth and she refused to leave it again. It wasn’t my first choice since I loved the city and it was where my office was based but the place grew on me and with time it was the way she wanted it and that to me was all that mattered. I look over at our sleeping child and sigh at how wonderfully our lives came together in the end. I walk to the side table and switch on the baby monitor and start walking down stairs.

I see the light had been turned down low and I hear soft music playing. My insides start to quiver and I know that she still wanted me. I see her standing at my desk wearing nothing but my blazer and smiles at me alluring. She loosened her hair and it shimmers beautifully in the soft light of the lamp on my desk. I walk over to her completely intoxicated by the sight of her and I feel my need growing hard in my pants. I put my hands on her hair and stroke it softly. She closes her eyes under my touch and moans softly. I kiss her forehead and trail my fingers around her shoulders and lift off the blazer and let it fall to the floor. Her eyes are hot as my body and I see her biting her bottom lip softly. I scoop her up and sit her down on my desk and spread her legs so that I can stand in between them. She opens her mouth at my roughness with her and I bend down and bite her bottom lip. Her hands find my belt and she loosens it swiftly and my pants fall to the floor. She unbuttons my shirt and let it slide off my shoulders. I feel her wetness and taste her lust on her lips and I know that she is ready to have me. I want her. She opens herself up to me and I enter her softly and she moans again. There is nothing more wonderful then making love to her. I had not experience pleasure like this in my life and I never want it to end. I look at her as she enjoys me and I feel overwhelmed with love and affection. She touches my lips with her soft fingers and I bite them gently. She smiles at me and then she climaxes…. No No… Not yet…

“Wow… That was…” She says as I lie on her panting. She holds my head to her bosom and I feel her raising heart against my ear. “Don’t… That was all you…”I say as she pushes my face up to her’s with shocked splattered all over it. “Me… How was that all me?” She says and I laugh. “You get me too worked up… I had to stop myself or it would have been over in like thirty seconds” I say in my defence. She was wonderful in every aspect of the word. She laughs out of her throat and I pull her back into a sitting position. She smiles at me as I put my underwear back on. She sits there naked and gorgeous. I feel like a school boy whom is experiencing it like it was my first time having sex. She smiles and pulls me by my underwear closer to her and kisses my lips hot with passion. I’m still hard and she touches it softly. She was the only woman ever to still leave me hard after we had been together. “This… is all you.” She says and I know that it’s true. I smile at her and she jumps off the desk and start walking towards the lounge again. She puts on her panties and jersey and takes the cup of hot chocolate and comes walking towards me. “At least the hot chocolate is still warm” She says and hands it too me. I take it and sip on it slow. She was right it was just right. She turns to walk back to the lounge where she insisted she wanted her desk to be and I follow her. “I love you” I say and she looks up over her shoulder at me. Her eyes are wide and glistening. She presses her lips together and smiles at me softly. “I love you too.” She says and I decide not to work. It can wait. I plant myself on the couch next to her and switch of the TV. She puts her head on my shoulder and we sit there enjoying our hot chocolate watching whatever was on.

True love. This is what it should feel like. Like nothing and like everything.

Our love story is not as complex as you might think… Oh no… It started many years ago long before Annabelle was even born, and that which had happened then had led me on my journey to loving Annabelle… And by God do I love her.

Sometimes I wish people would just shut up!

It really is so annoying when you’re busy saying something, sharing your point of view and someone  just feels the need to say something. Instead of just saying “sure” or “yes” or “that is so interesting” or “I see your point” they feel the need to take what you have said and just completely rip it out of proportion and completely miss what you have said and form such a really stupid opinion about it that really had nothing to do with what you have said but is just their way of feeling less guilty or stupid or whatever is they feel to be somehow superior over you. It really just pisses me the fuck off. Shut up! Like really… Just shut up!

So you can relate to some of what I said, but that doesn’t mean you can bombard my story with your clear jealousy of my opinion and act like its all good, well it’s not. I really don’t mind people having an opinion or a view point, but stick to the topic at hand. Don’t wonder off because what is being said hits home and kind of makes you feel out of place. If you fucked up deal with it and move on. You can’t forever keep justify it, you have to say yeah man, that happened to me and I really fucked up. It is good that all messes at the end of the day get cleaned up and our lives get a happy ending, but repent and thy shall be saved.

No-one is attacking you! OMG… I swear when you say anything about something that might have happened in someone’s life they act like you are attacking them, when in most cases you’re just talking from experience and you feel that maybe sharing your story would make someone change their ways. I really don’t get why people can’t respect the next person’s opinion.

Everything in this life has become a competition with social media being a really big thing. Now suddenly everyone has something to say about something, someone, a group or whoever. There is no place to hide anymore because people will call each other out in front of thousands of people just to make a statement. Social bullies are on the rise and sites like Facebook and Twitter has really become a war zone where these cyber bullies spread their wrath of destruction on innocent people. They say if you don’t have anything positive to say don’t say anything at all, and I agree but sometimes you really just can’t help yourself.

I’ve always been someone who is very verbal about things that bother me or that I feel need to be said. Most of the time it’s really not directed at anyone but just my opinion, my views and that is just it. Most of the time I have found that people agree with me and I feel that I have the balls to say things I think many are too afraid to say and wait for someone like me to come along and turn shit up.

I don’t like haters, and I feel that this world are full of undercover haters who really are just out there waiting for you to say something that they can burn you on in a “mooi” way, while completely ignoring the issue because really they are just out to make you look bad. Well I don’t have a problem looking bad or people hating me because I speak what I feel is the truth, so call me out about something that is not true in what I say and I will take a step back, but if you get emotional offended about something I say, just shut up… Because I will ignore you because your opinion clearly comes from a place of clouded judgement and maybe even jealousy. Freedom of speech bitches!

www.therealpriscillam.wordpress.com

When Life Gives You Lemons...

When life gives you lemons... Don’t make lemonade...

Right now I’m sitting here thinking; when is someone going to tell it like it really is.

The lemonade she has been making doesn’t have any sugar and frankly right now it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. (Although the tunes are catchy and the lyrics very deep... I still can’t get my head wrapped around it really) Have we really become a world where this type of behavior has become acceptable. I mean if I think about my fucked up life and all the lemonade I have made over the last ten years, believe me I would be able to write much more brilliantly worse lyrics than that which she has come up with, but I choose to not put my life and my lemons out there for the world to see anymore, because what you put out is what you get back and all the money in the world is not going to make your lemonade sweet. Even if your money can buy all the sugar in the world, it will still be bitter!

It really annoys me that he is still with her after everything... Yes I said it! Believe me I love her and I always thought that she was a great entertainer but her as a person... I don’t know; I was never sold on her image of being nice and friendly. I always thought of her as the friend who always believed she was the prettiest and the smartest and knew everything and always had something negative and hurtful to say about everything and everyone and passed it off as being “honest” when in actual fact she is just a selfish bitch who only cares about herself and her feelings forgetting about all her flaws until suddenly it was being pointed out to her by the people of the world who doesn’t give a fuck about who you are and who you think you are (like me), but is all about the real truth... And then she became depressed because she didn’t have any control anymore and people were judging her and hating her and then she thought by being with an ugly man she would seem like she had a heart and didn’t care about physical appearance and it didn’t matter and that she was all about inner beauty and feminism and whatever the hell she was telling herself to make her feel better about her controlling ass. You want to make Lemonade... Start by admitting you are a bitter controlling bitch who is throwing your toys out of the cot because this life isn’t perfect as you wanted it to be and that you have failed in making it so! BOHOOO cry me a fucking river! You asked for Lemons and life gave you lemons but that don’t mean you got me make lemonade and let the whole world drink of it... 

Well unless you really crave lemonade or love lemonade and with all my current readings and research, life can’t really give you lemons if you don’t ask for them or are offered it, but so we get lemons either we have bought them ourselves or we were given them it still by choice. Okay so right now I have moved off track a little but what I’m trying to say is life is all about choice and sometimes how we respond to the choices we have made is what turns our lemonade bitter and vile.

The lemons of life is not choices we have willing made and in some way brought on by our own actions and then turned it into be a bad life choice and now we seem forced to make it into a something good in order to make us feel less guilty for making a bad life choice and refuse to accept the consequences or remove it from our lives. The lemons of life are sudden change in weather when your having a great hair day, or when your heel breaks right in front of a mall, the lemons of life are things that we can’t stop from happening but it doesn’t change the course of our lives in any way, it’s not staying with a cheating husband that is a choice based on forgiveness... The only way that it would be lemons are if you haven’t truly forgiven that person and not have moved on from it. It’s when you have allowed your choice to stay in that life alters your path of self and of life.

Now this is something everyone goes through in life at one point and how you allow it to affect your life is what really makes the difference.

 Now firstly I’m a writer and I have learned that every story has two sides whether people understand it or not doesn’t matter, in life, love and everything else... Every story has two sides. Now when you are a person of a certain stature your life and its goings on becomes the basis on which other people inferior and inadequate to themselves build their lives on and I personally feel that we should take care of our lives and what happens it in. We can’t allow just anyone’s point of view to fuck up our lives, we aint rich like them....  Now at this point in time as I write this, there is nothing special about me, I’m broke and non-famous but my life is important to me and so is all the lives of the people I decide to share my life with so every choice I make is a reflection on the people I hold dear to me. Now I’m not saying that we should just ignore everything bad in our lives and not say anything about it, but to each other not the world, they love that shit and believe me your life will not get better with that type of negativity dangling around in the Universe. But I can relate to many people of stature out there and I can give advice and I can to some extent judge poor decision making.

I read her lyrics and I have to say that I’m really to some extent disappointed that it doesn’t seem like the truth to me. Somewhere she is leaving shit out and I don’t think it’s fair to her beautiful husband as she calls him who is at the receiving end of all the juice. I took the last week to get to the bottom of my theories before I embarked on writing this pieces and I got to say from the perspective of a woman of color without any fame or fortune but who has been depressed and hurt too many times in her life by a man, a father and society yet have found it in herself to not make lemonade out of all her lemons anymore but throw some of them out, I got to say I’m not impressed.

Everything about her life is much like mine and many other women just like us and that is why what she had done made such a big impact on the world. She has through her craft been able to touch many lives and changed many mind sets when it comes to shallow really non important things in this world, but we love her nevertheless. She has kept everyone out and suffered in silence for a long time or at least she thought she did (we all saw the cracks and I for one started feeling sorry for her), but now recently have decided to allow her alter-ego to come out and play. Now... we have to understand that when we allow an “alter-ego” (excuse for really just wanting to be ‘ourselves’ and say what we ‘really’ want without have to justify what we say or do or whatever makes us feel less guilty) to come out we have to be able to take responsibility for the destruction they sew. We can’t stand back and say that it’s all a matter of freedom of speech and the world has a right to know. No the world does not have a right to know shit when it comes to your marriage or your kids or your family or whatever it is that you hold sacred to your heart, even if shit gets really bad and some how does come out just deal with it and go on with your life.

The destruction you have sewed and many other women just like you and me it will come back and haunt us. Even though it might feel like the righteous thing to do at the time, you have got ask yourself where does it come from? I know people are defending her and saying it’s her way of healing. Believe me that is not healing. It doesn’t come from a place of healing. It comes from a place of vengeance and hurtful punishment. I Aint Sorry... How lost in yourself and your hurt do you have to be to say words like that? How in denial are you when you tell yourself and the world I aint thinking about you (him)... Really? Well... Why the outburst then?

I know why, you want to make you feel better about not allowing yourself to be real. I know how hard rejection is when you have been placed on a pedestal you never really wanted to be on but seated so well. When you were winning at competition you weren’t even entered in. I know what it feels like to be perfect in your own mind, flawless and still not be enough. When you know everything and everyone, how they think, how they feel and how they should be living their lives when your way of seeing things is always the right way, I know how it feels to be alone in a room full of people who doesn’t ‘get’ you. I would have thought more expected that she would be smarter than this but she is dumb just like society had made her and many other women just like her because she never did anything on her own, she doesn’t know what it feels like to be alone. And only when you are alone will you find that it really doesn’t matter, none of this the pain and heartache that we go through in this life matters. It’s all part of our own doing and only we can fix it. Mudslinging and singing accusing songs isn’t going to fix things; in fact it will only make things worse... Her “honesty” about their life can never be contradicted now; she has made sure that the world heard her part of the story first.

You see we as women do that, we forget that we are hurtful, resentful, and evil emotionless heartless and power hungry species. Now, that is not our fault but what mankind has imprinted on us for centuries. We have been nothing since pre-historic times. The bible is filthy of how women were used and abused by men and used as objects and commodities, but it’s also filled with betrayal and manipulations and evil sadistic deeds women have done for power over man. It’s sickening really, that we think we are superior to men and need to be treated a certain way just because we have a vagina.

How do you know she is all about power? She tries to convince him, that if he had nothing (and he had everything before he met her) no-one would love him or care for him because the world dubbed him ugly and she was beautiful so because of that he was privileged to have her. She and everyone around her convinced him about how ‘blessed’ he was having her by his side and how this was his greatest achievement – listen you their music together, how he tries to tell her that he is the man and how she tries to convince him she made him that way - But beauty doesn’t make you perfect or immune to anything hateful and harmful. This is unfortunately how society depicts us, by our skin color and physical appearance and features. We will never truly be judged on anything more than our appearance and our sins. So in this case, he will never win this war and if he decided to make lemonade from all the lemons she had given to him we will have a war so dirty and vile that it will destroy them both. So he needs to take this punishment and all the bad and terrible things people think and say about him right now and try to make lemonade because the world is not on his side, the world is on her side and that is where the world will always be unless he can find hard physical evidence that shows them the real person behind the smiles and the music when no-one is watching.

I don’t think that it’s fair to him not because cheating and hurting someone who loves you is right but because no-one not even her is perfect and yes she tried and she failed but she should have LEFT. She knows that she will never be able to forgive him or trust him again so what an awful life to live, but the stars in her eyes are shining bright and dollar signs are their God so I can only say that this will forever haunt them and as human beings with hearts and emotions will never heal from this truly. This that she had done was in bad taste and even though it shocked me I can’t say that I didn’t see it coming... As much as she tried to not be affected by what everyone was saying she was caught up badly in her childhood suffering and pain. She could never please anyone really, not her father, not her band mates, not her now husband, but she was good at pleasing the world (everyone who didn’t matter). You think the world cares about you? No... They love your life but they don’t love you.

I have thought about all of this long and hard… And I know that this world this industry and the pressures of social media has made it more easy for us to destroy our lives and our relationships because everyone takes everything personally, whether we like it or not, it is so. This is supposed to be a medium for self-expression but it has become a place for cyber bullying to thrive and a place where we can ruin each other’s lives in an instance. I see it every day and was a part of it too, but I have digressed. You see social media doesn’t ruin lives what you put out there on social media does. And now we have entered a time where nothing has any more value not love, respect honesty or honor. It’s all superficial and shallow thumbs ups and hearts and starts, the more the better. We think that the whole world and everyone in it should grow a sense of humor and not judge us by what we put out there into the world, but that would be cynical… because we know everything we say and do is to create some sort of reaction and thence we should learn to take responsibility for our actions doesn’t really matter on what platform it is, and if we are in a position where we have placed a crown on your head and you have taken up the duty of representing some sort of anti- whatever, be sure that the world will be watching you, waiting for you to fuck it up or open up a forbidden door and start some shit. Right now the world is in rebellion, people are frustrated and hungry and poor and extremely angry. We have entered an era we have crossed paths with so many times before and as the past have proven; it had not ended well then so we need to take care or history will repeat itself.

So I ask… Why would you want to start some shit that would just end up ruining your life and your reputation because, even though you aint sorry and even though you didn’t care and even though your daddy prepared yourself for “this” you still ended up getting hurt and still stayed. YOU STAYED. But you haven’t really tried to fix things you were trying to avenge things. Now again… How do you plan on moving on from this? Have another baby, like all the sad stupid insecure women before us had done. Bury the problem under a child’s love until that child’s loves him more than they love you and you end up again alone resenting the world and everyone in it. So what this world and the people who we give power in it tells us that even though our hearts gets broken and we get trampled on its okay to just vent and tell everyone your shit and then in the same breath tell your partner who you have disrespected by sharing your inner most private affairs with the world, that he is beautiful and you love him? Really? Seriously? What do you want to really achieve? I feel for woman like that, but I ask myself the question why would any man be with a woman like that? I mean seriously are you that hard up for her love when you have cheated and been with other women, do you really believe her when she says that no-one will love you like she loves when she is really been crazy for putting up with your shit for so long that she convinced herself that it was because of love. It wasn’t love; it was the fear and humiliation of admitting defeat. She won’t leave; she is too scared the world will say that it was all her fault that she was shit so she tries to convince you that you are lucky to have her and that if you had nothing no-one would want you… ask yourself… looking at her… do you think she would have wanted you too? And how crazy does she think you have to be to believe that she would have wanted you if you weren’t who you are?

Women are never realistic in their quest for deliverance from the pain of being rejected and humiliated. Their revenge plot is always about reverse psychology and filling herself with the pain of bullying her man and making him feel like shit… As the young man recently said in one of his many catchy and toxic songs… If you like the way you look that much… Oh baby you should go and love yourself… Yes… All these women out here thinking the sun shines out of their asses and thinks that men are so weak and so needed for their sex Wake up and smell the coffee… Men want and need love to… Not that sexual thing you pass off as love and think it’s going to excuse your ill treatment of him when all he wants to do is love you… Yes really love you...

The bottom line is as wonderful as all this is received by the world and everyone in it...I got to say I don’t buy it... I don’t even believe that everything that is written about is true or that she is in fact talking about her life. If she is then I feel she needs to make a statement or write an essay (she has won an award for writing you know) and say it is so, because we are all out here hanging on every sick words she says assuming it’s about them in fact it could even be about me shit I got some lemonade like that on freeze right now, but I love my husband and I respect him enough to work on it without telling the world what we are going through or went through. In fact she should have made an album celebrating her new found love for him and herself and their life. She should have talked about how wonderful healing was with him and how even though this world is crazy and we loose our heads and our minds and our senses sometimes, we are still able to pick ourselves up and go on.

This is now out there in the world and she will have to carry it with her for the rest of her life... And I’m so glad for them if they had managed to work things out and make things work but they got to be ready for what is to come.

She will never be able to restore what she has taken from their lives through this album. She is now the battered woman who stayed with a cheating lying man who clearly does not deserve her but even through all the mess she manages to still love and respect and all that other shit she expects us to believe and him who is shit... There is no other way to say it... He is the lowest scum of the earth right now and I frankly believe that everyone out there in the world has lost their respect for him and pity’s him for living such a life. That is of course everyone who walks around with their heads and minds open and in the right place. People who see it for what it really is marital suicide or a life of forever trying to create the perfect life (husband) you so desperately want so you keep selling your soul to the devil in believing that is how love and marriage is suppose to be because that is how you were raised.

My conclusions to all this Lemonade drama.... Shame.